How Couples Therapy Can Strengthen Your Bond

Starting couples therapy for the first time may seem daunting, even if you’ve been in therapy on your own. And if you’ve never been to therapy at all, the overwhelm about couples therapy might turn into avoidance that can prevent you from getting the support that you need.

Let’s say that you and your partner have been arguing and you can’t ever resolve the issue — maybe you have a tense discussion, feel a little emotional and then let it go. So you pause the conversation, and don’t return to it again until the next time those feelings come up. You sweep it under the rug, and that works for awhile. But inevitably, if you don’t talk about the issue together, it will come up again. Not only that, but each time the topic comes up, there’s a bit more unresolved hurt to it.

Or maybe the problem is is that you DON’T fight. When you have issues, you and your partner avoid each other, stay busy, keep on keeping on, and maybe focus on work, but that doesn’t feel great either. You try to not obsess about these issues, but then you find yourself wondering what is happening in your partner’s head, and it isn’t good (in your imagination, at least).

Couples Today Are Under a Lot of Stress

Thriving as a couple is a tall order. You may feel overextended, overworked, overscheduled, under resourced, and the first person that usually finds out about that is your partner — whether or not you tell them with words.

This is very normal.

We really rely on our primary relationships to see and celebrate us when we feel good and to console and hold us when we feel awful. Because our relationships are expected to sustain us through good times and bad, relationships need our time and attention too.

We Aren’t Taught How To Care For Our Relationships

How we show up in our relationships is something we’ve learned by seeing (parents, caretakers) and by doing (our own experiences). What that means is if you didn’t see your parents together, or as part of a secure relationship as you were growing up, it may be confusing to know what a “good” relationship looks like.

Or maybe your parents were together growing up, but you want to learn more skillful ways to communicate about issues, challenges and your relationship than you saw with your parents.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Believe it or not, reaching out for couples support can be a sign of strength: that you believe in your relationship, that you want to make it as good as it can be, and that you are willing to try something different.

Tips for Your Couples Consultation

You and your partner can meet potential couples therapists through consultations before you decide on the right therapist. Here are a few ways to prepare for these short meetings:

• Talk with your partner beforehand. The more you can agree on what is important, the more connected and supported you’ll feel as you go through this process. Here are a few things that you can discuss:

  • Who? Thinking about the right therapist for you - do you have a gender preference? Is it important they have a particular cultural understanding?

  • Where? Do you want to meet virtually? In person? Each has pros and cons.

  • When? Talk about times that you can meet. Some couples make time to connect after sessions. Some couples make a point to talk before each session so that partners aren’t blindsided in session about what the other wants to talk about. Think about the time around your session - before and after.

Relationship Support Is Not One Size Fits All

Working with a couples therapist that is a relationship expert means that you get the guidance, support and collaboration that you need, that is just right for you. Couples therapists understand and value the importance of relationships, and that’s why they do this work!

As a couples therapist I am collaborative with you about what you are seeking, ways we can get there, and where to focus so that you can find contentment together.

Interested in seeing how we might work together? Reach out to schedule a consultation below.